You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
