Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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