I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
