My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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