The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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