cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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