apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
