Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
