The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Randomize
