Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
