Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
