Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
