woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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