walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
