I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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