As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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