I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
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