So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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