just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
