There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
