Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
