I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Four minutes until I can fart!
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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