I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Randomize
