I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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