Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
