I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
