just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
