I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
