my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
