take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
