i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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