I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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