I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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