I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
