I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
