Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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