The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
It's shark week go big or go home
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
