dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
