you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
