You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
