Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Randomize
