Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
