He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
