The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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