I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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