haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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