We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
it was like eating out sand paper
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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