I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
