my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
