my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
