He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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