Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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