drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
