i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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