I was born with a shot glass in my hand
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
