cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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