he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Randomize
