Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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