How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
